The Top 12 Worst Games of 2021: VIII

Football Team at Broncos, Week 8: The Least Eventful Game of All Time 2021

An absurd end to a destructively uneventful game provided some gridiron gallows humor to a game that was the elemental epitomization of what happens when you queue up Taylor Heinicke and Teddy Bridgewater squaring off. The other 58-ish minutes were what the psychosurgery ward plays on loop during lobotomy operations.

You could look at this game as a “quarterback duel,” if you wanted to. You would be mightily disappointed if you chose this route, though. Neither Taylor Heinicke nor Teddy Bridgewater clock in too loftily on the QB wattage ranking scale, for various reasons: watching Taylor Heinicke, he seems like a QB with a lot of “tools” but not a ton of “polish,” whereas Teddy Bridgewater seems a lot like a guy with a lot of “polish” but not a lot of “tools.” It’s hard to explain the quintessence of Teddy to someone who hasn’t watched him play, but let’s put it this way: he reminds this viewer of the Warren Beatty film Heaven Can Wait, in which a star quarterback is plucked from this mortal plane before his time on Earth is up and then re-inserted into a new body, possessing the faculties of his old self but the physiology of an athletically disinclined multimillionaire who was recently the target of an assassination attempt. That analogy will work for Teddy B, whose 2021 salary was indeed in the multiples of millions (4.25M, to be precise) and who, playing behind PFF’s 19th-ranked offensive line after suffering a career-threatening knee injury earlier in his career all while operating a cataclysmically unimaginative Vic Fangio Broncos offense, underwent every Sunday the closest possible thing a quarterback can experience to an assassination attempt.

And a convincing argument was made for the unworkableness of this Bronco offense during this game. Played fittingly on October 31, the way these teams tried and failed time after time to stick the prolate spheroid into the endzone or even to kick the thing through the uprights was blood-curling. How blood-curling? Well, to give you an idea, there were 55 short passes in this game. That means that of the 65 throws authored by Heinicke and Bridgewater on this day, 10 traveled 15 or more yards through the air. And that’s just attempts – only five of them were caught! The saddest part about this game was probably how many chances this game had to be a thrilling affair. The Washington offense went for it on fourth down FIVE TIMES in this game – but they converted only once. The Washington Football Team kicked three field goals – two were blocked. The odds of that happening are…well, they’re low, and one blocked field goal is usually enough to slake our thirst for special teams tomfoolery for an afternoon.

Worse, at least from the perspective of the Washington Football Team, was that they lost by 7 and had three different end of half/end of game chances to score – the issue for these maroon-clad misfortunates, though, was that a touchdown was the only option in each of these scenarios. Heinicke went 0-for-3 in achieving the desired result when these situations arose. Not only that, but he messed up each one in a novel way. It was peculiar in a depressing way. Let’s review these, shall we? After a Teddy B touchdown pass to Melvin Gordon (remember that name), the Washingtonians had 1:11 left in the first half to match the Broncos at 10 points. At the very least, they could have kicked a field goal to make it a 4-point game. But following four Heinicke completions (you guessed it, short passes to the likes of J.D. McKissic, Ricky-Seals Jones and Deandre Carter), a bad snap on 3rd and 3 on the frontiers of field goal range forced Heinicke to retreat, allowing Broncos DE Stephen Weatherly to beat his blocker and sack the QB ten yards back. Heinicke probably had enough time to get rid of the ball, which someone like Tom Brady, or fellow TB-initialed passer Teddy Bridgewater, would have done. Heinicke didn’t proving the paucity of “polish” we touched on earlier. On 4th and 13 with 3 seconds left (Rivera decline to take a timeout until there was only time for 1 more play in the half), Heinicke heaved a Hail Mary toward the endzone that was intercepted by Justin Simmons, throwing the ball just a bit too short to find the deepest receiver in the endzone. This wasn’t the end of the game, though, just a yawn-mongering first half. Heinicke did succeed in throwing one of the prettier over-the-shoulder touchdowns of the season to Deandre Carter with less than a minute left in the 3rd quarter to tie the game. But much like Heinicke’s temporarily legend-making effort against the Buccaneers in the 2020 Wild Card game, none of his positive moments seemed to come at the right time. With a quarter left, even a low-voltage attack like the Teddy B-Vic Fangio brain trust was capable of putting themselves ahead. This time, it was once again the man of the hour, Melvin Gordon (again, remember this man’s name), running it in from 7 yards out with four and a half minutes left. Now the Football Team really needed a touchdown. But a touchdown was not to be theirs. A relatively impressive if cautious drive from Heinicke and the Washington offense got the Football Team to the Denver 11-yard line, the threshold of pay dirt. But the drive had expended its excellence by this point. Heinicke threw a wasteful pass to Antonio Gibson for only 3 yards, then Terry McLaurin caught a pointless pass for 1 yard. On 3rd and 6, Heinicke held the ball for far too long and was once again bagged by Stephen Weatherly, who may be the hero of the game. This time Heinicke did fumble, putting the Football Team in an all hope is lost 4th and 19 situation. Once again, Heinicke’s desperation toss was short of its mark, and landed once again in Justin Simmons’s waiting hands. But still the game was not over. Unbelievably, Melvin Gordon fumbled the ball on the Broncos’s 3rd down play on the ensuing drive (Rivera, smartly, had not spent any timeouts on silly delay of game annulments or things of that nature – take note, dumb coaches! – forcing Denver to actually run plays instead of kneeling), and even more ridiculously, Washington recovered. The third time, Rivera hoped, would be the charm for Heinicke’s hazards at a Hail Mary. But, overcorrecting from his previous two disasters, Heinicke sailed the ball out of the damn endzone on 4th and 16. They got to 4th and 16, fittingly, by Heinicke taking yet another sack on what amounted to a touchdown-or-nothing set of downs. In sum: three attempts at touchdowns at the half or end of game, three sacks taken, three 4th and 13+-yards to go, three Hail Marys, two interceptions, one overthrow, 0 points. And those two blocked field goals. They lost by 7. Sam Howell SZN can’t get here fast enough. Lol.

I guess the Broncos deserved to win this one. But did they really? Precedent says otherwise. Vic Fangio’s formless, dysmorphic Broncos wound up 9-16 in one score games from 2019-21, and could have easily finished 8-17 and thus below a win percentage of .33 had Washington capitalized on literally any of several golden opportunities in this game. But when you’re talking about the least eventful game of the season, the boringest team tends to win. Let’s bury this game film in a Rocky Mountain cavern and not think about it anymore.

Quite possibly the single most exciting moment of this game. Thrilling, isn’t it?